"Therefore, We Do Not Lose Heart."

"Therefore, we do not lose heart." period.
It is Wednsday afternoon, 2/10/10.
As I was cleaning out my kitchen cabinet today, I found a treasure that I had forgotten about - a can of Italian Wedding Soup that I had purchased for myself and hidden away. I'm enjoying every bite of it right now as I sit and listen to another gem I found this week, my CD of Hymns produced by "Haven of Rest". Both of these are so soothing to my soul.
It's been a long day. I've been on the phone with Jim, spent time on the internet trying to find airline tickets to Nashville, plus submitted a story on Charles and Bernice to the Columbus Dispatch. (side note: I just found out that my arrival time and that of the twins coming from Ghana, is at the same time on Sunday night! I may finally get to hold those sweet babies!)
I chose to eat my wedding soup tonight in honor of my beloved friend Vicky, who I believe will be with her bridegroom tonight, or very soon. I can't believe the events of the past few days. The healing that we have all prayed for may not happen here - but rather in heaven. Bitter-sweet. For the first time yesterday, I allowed my mind to visit a place I had refused to go earlier. My friend may soon be with Jesus! I'm a mix of crying tears of joy and tears of sadness.

So many pleasant memories have flooded my heart these past few weeks. She, my Titus Two Woman, would never cease to smile when she saw me. She affectionately called me "Sweetie pie" or "honey bunny". She has given me advice on all kinds of things: herbs, decorating, home-schooling, parenting, being a dauther, mother, wife; but most of all, encouragement on how to be a believer in Christ. She led by example.

Why does Paul write to the Corinthian believers and tell them not to lose heart? In the previous verses he explains: (4:7 - 10)
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

Vicky's "jar of clay" is almost unrecognizable as the Vicky I've known. I haven't been with her since mid-December, and even then, it was hard to comprehend what the cancer had done to her body. Another family friend is by her bedside now, and said that it is hard to believe what devastation she has endured. Nathan took a pic of her with a freshly, bathed Scarlett sleeping next to her in the hospice room, but Jim said it would not be posted for other's to see.

I'm so thankful that we can fully trust our Lord.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." II Cor. 4:16-18


2/11/10
The sun is starting to rise over the blanket of white snow that is almost blinding.
It is now hours later....I'm still waiting to hear..is Vicky with the Lord yet?
I was wide awake at 5:23 a.m. this morning. I think many of us are now begging the Lord to take our friend home, to indeed give her relief from her distress.
"Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.." Ps. 4:1

In the midst of our darkest times, it comforts me immensely that the day and night are the same to God. He is as close as the air that we breathe. As I was thinking of Vicky last night, memories of being with my brother as he died entered my mind. Death, it seems to me, is parallel to birth in so many ways. Like a women entering transition as she prepares to give birth to her baby, so it seems that those that are leaving this earth are also intermingled physically and spiritually in a transition. One's mind and spirit must focus on where they are going - what lies ahead. I know that Jim and Kermit (Nathan) had intentions of verbally telling her that it was o.k. to go now...that they would be fine. I think Jim said that he was going to tell her it was up to her and Jesus.

In the meantime - those of us here confined by human bodies and time go through the motions of life as best we can. I feel anxious, nervous and sad - but on the other end of the spectrum, I am SO excited for her, I can hardly stand it! As Paul reminds us in II Cor. 2:9, "However, as it is written; 'What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived - these things God has prepared for those who love Him'".

2/11/10 Evening
As I was making last minute preparations before bed, I received the phone call I was anxiously anticipating, yet still dreading. "She went home to be with the Lord about 10 minutes ago. She is with Jesus now, her suffering is over." Jim's voice quivered, and then became strong. I thought of the verse I had been quoting in my mind so many times today:
"To be absent with the body, is to be present with the Lord."
Dear Jesus - she is with you!

2/12/10
After talking with Jim last night, it was decided that I would see if I could post-pone my flight until Sat. morning, so Jim and Kermit could get some rest, and begin to grieve in privacy. It couldn't have been any easier: a click here, a deleting there, and my flight was changed and I was issued a $40 credit! Thanks, Lord - He has a way of helping me when I'm so indecisive.
I'm still numb today. I finally was able to sit down and write a brief note about her on my facebook account. So many of my friends have faithfully prayed for her! I wanted to share with them what a wonderful friend she was. Here is my note:

In Memory of my friend Vicky ~
As I was packing my suitcase last night, anticipating my early flight this morning - my dear friend Vicky took her final flight to heaven. She passed from this life to the next peacefully with Jim and Nathan in the room with her. Although I am heavy hearted with many others right now, I am equally as happy knowing that her battle is over that she is face to face with her blessed Savior!


I used to call her my "titus two friend" and she affectionately called me "honey bunny" or "sweetie pie". She taught me important and serious spiritual truths as well as modeling for me beauty in the everyday: how it was important to have fresh flowers occasionally (even if we couldn't afford it) or how to redecorate a room by rearranging things and adding a few new pillows plus an inexpensive vase. Vicky Sue was the perfect southern belle! She always had time for me and would be the most gracious host, even if the kids and I dropped by unexpectedly. She answered hard questions, but wasn't afraid to say that it was o.k. to live with unanswered ones too. Whenever we would get together with the her family (Vicky, Jim and Nathan,who we affectionately named "Kermit") there would always be laughter. I will miss that laugh. More than anything, I think she showed me what a woman of faith looked like. Especially in the last year few years of her life, I observed a woman clinging to God in the midst of so many losses - her mother, her home to a fire, and eventually her health. I've learned so much from her and will miss her terribly.

Our loss is heaven's gain - so the saying goes, and I believe it is true. When I think of her, I honestly think of so many passages of Scripture - but the one that comforts and inspires me most today is found in Philippians 3:12 - 14. It's as if I can hear her voice in Paul's words before she left:
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

You did press on, dear friend, and you have now received the prize! I praise God for your life!


2/13/10
I've decided to journal another day or two, before I post this entire entry. I'm working through the grief process like so many others at this time. I'll be leaving soon for the airport. I only slept about 2-3 hrs. last night...not sure why. This is a trip that will be good and yet hard.

Evening...
Made it! Scarlett (Vicky's sweet puppy) and I are sitting here finishing the Chipotle Kermit bought me for dinner. Jim and Kermit made it to church, which I think will be awesome for them. Because of Vicky's illness, Jim has been unable to attend for months. I think the guys are doing really well. Jim alternates between laughing and crying, which I think is healthy. He has recounted to me some of the painful moments in her last weeks of life. I can't believe I haven't shed a tear here (I think I'm all cried out.) When I was here in December, helping to care for her, it was so hard. She was in so much pain then. I'm so relieved she's with Jesus! He really has conquered the grave! Praise Him, someday the pain of this life will all be over.

I am reminded of her everywhere here ~ the decorating, her pantry staples that I organized for the guys (she introduced me to Almond butter - yum!), her stack of books and her beloved Bible. I held it close and thanked her for being such a wonderful, godly friend to me. Seeing her glasses touched me too as I pondered how Vicky saw the world. She tried to find beauty in so many things! Jim and I picked out an outfit for her to be buried in, which will be Tuesday. They found a small cemetary close by, and she will be buried without chemicals (embalming - I told him, is optional). I like that - it so fits her natural bent! He also told me that he is going to use a photo of her in her wedding gown, to be placed over the casket. What a wonderful idea - Vicky meeting her bridegroom! We must have been on the same page - remember me eating that Italian wedding soup? ; )
I'm so blessed to be here. It is a wonderful way to say good-bye to her. I will miss you, dear Titus-two friend, but will be with you again.